Oops...

Just a whole lot of nope from me. 

I'm done. Everything is difficult and I've barely been managing to walk straight let alone get up to do yoga and an ab challenge. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to have probably more than 7 good days in a row, let alone 30. I'm just not up to life at the moment and I literally set myself up to fail this month. I've been getting worse and worse. I can't sleep. I'm sore AF. I'm sick of telling people I'm fine. I literally just started a new medication and it does things to your head that's just indescribable. First off, the needle fucking hurts. Secondly, knowing what my last medication did to me, starting something new is petrifying. 

Invisible illnesses that are physical are so painful. But invisible illnesses that are mental are beyond any human pain. When you're mentally hurting, merely exisiting is a full time job. I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. I want to live in my memories where I'm not in any pain. 

Challenging myself further...

So I'm five days in to my self set challenge and I am LOVING the yoga.

It's so satisfying and really relaxing. On day four I managed to rope in Danielle (Boyfriends mum) into that days practice. I really love having a buddy with me.

The Abs on the other hand aren't really doing anything for me... I haven't been completing the days because it just isn't pushing me so I don't feel any worth from doing them when I know I could just skip to day 30 and be able to complete it... I have more core strength than I thought... so I have found another, more intense 'Abs challenge' because I do still want to improve my core muscles in this challenge.

This means I'll be starting from day 1 again because this is much more challenging than the first one. so tomorrow will be day 6 of yoga and day 1 of new abs.

A new favourite yoga pose is the 'downward facing dog' Its a classic pose, and with good reason. Its a fully engaging pose, through the legs core and arms yet its still so relaxing.

Update: Loving it so far

Well, its day 2 of my challenges and I'm doing fine.

Yoga - I'm actually loving it. Today I managed to rope Lucy into doing it with me which was very motivating and it was great to experience the zen with her. My legs feel like jelly and my body is cracking in every joint with the smallest movement but at the same time I feel very free and motivated.

Flat Abs - Today and yesterday was no big deal, I'm relishing in the calm of the beginning because I know it will get harder as we go through, but I'm very intent on not giving up.

Well, thats it for now, just a short update. But I thought I would leave you with my favourite yoga pose so far, it's called Chaturanga, It is a very strong pose and it is extremely satisfying doing it correctly.

And so it begins...

The thought of doing something everyday for 30 days isn't a huge deal... But the amount of times I have started those 30 day challenges like squats of planks or even sit ups and failed is pretty sad. 

Committing yourself to anything completely is a pretty big deal and I really want to give it 110% this time. I'm going to be undertaking 2 challenges at once and they are:

1. 30 Days of Yoga

This challenge is by Adriene from Yoga With Adriene. I'm really looking forward to this because I would love to gain some inner and outer strength and find some relief from stress at the same time.

and 

2. 30 Days Flat Abs challenge

This challenge is by Cassey Ho from Blogilates and involves a few Ab exercises a day to improve core strength. This is pretty similar to what I've attempted before but this time I'm going to really commit.

To motivate myself to actually complete these things within the 30 days I will be checking back in on here every few days with my thoughts and experiences to also document the journey for myself.

If you'd like to join me you are more than welcome but for now its just me. 

The date of commencement will be the 27th of May.

Self care isn't selfish.

Self care: Attitudes and actions that contribute to happiness, balance and wellbeing.

Fighting an invisible illness that involves chronic pain; mental or physical, is hard.
So taking care of yourself is incredibly important but it's generally overlooked because thats the last thing on your mind. It's taken me over half a year to get around to even thinking about self care because it was never something I prioritised... I just concentrated on getting up in the morning, dressed and presentable, making it through the day and back to my bed.

But I've recently been trying very hard to get well mentally to then help cope with my physical issues... so I thought I would compile a list of things I consider to be my self care.

1. Listening to music
I have a playlist on my phone called "It's O.K." Its full of songs that make me happy, pump me up and generally have a great beat to help motivate me. I love listening to it and some of my favourites on the list are: It's not over yet by For King & Country, Fight song by Rachel Platten, Brave by Sara Bareillies, I wanna dance with somebody by Whitney Houston and No prejudice by Pollapönk.

2. TV Marathons.
The trap that is Netflix(or one of its equivalents, Stan. is awesome!) is actually one of my favourite places to escape to. Where I can just play a TV show that I've seen a million times already and just immerse myself in that world for a while. I have been marathoning TV shows like HIMYM, The Nanny and Top Gear. its VERY relaxing!

3. Spending time with the right people.
Time is precious and wasting time on toxic, negative people is something I'm not interested in. At all.

4. Tea
At the rate I drink tea, I wouldn't be surprised if its replaced the majority of the blood in my system. Tea is delicious and extremely calming. Tea is always a good idea.

5. Yoga/Mindfullness
Stretching and relaxing some physical stress and tension is really enjoyable. Yoga is great for that. You don't have to be super flexible or anything, just doing what you can at your own pace is enough.
Mindfullness is also something i have really been enjoying. I try and do it most nights before I sleep because it helps me wind down and focus my mind on one thing rather than have it run a million miles an hour all through the night.

Thats it for now.. I might edit this and add some later or make a new post all together but its a start.

It's perfectly OK to admit you're not OK...

I know I am not my illness, but some days I find it so overwhelmingly difficult to cope that I put on the label and wear it like a coat. But accepting help is hard. It's hard because all I have ever done is say "I've got this" "Nah, it's fine""I'm ok, it could be worse".

What's harder is knowing you need help but not wanting it because a) You don't want to finally admit that you need help. b) You don't want to burden others with your health issues c) You feel like it's not a big deal, you should be able to handle it by yourself and it's not worth the trouble.

I have had it pointed out to me on many occasions why these three points are complete bullshit but its only really just sinking in...

A) Admitting you need the help is hard, but not getting help is harder... start by asking someone you love and trust to just talk to you or remind you to take your meds - baby steps.

B) People love and care about you. You are not a burden, you are worthy of the help and effort.

C) The hand you have been dealt it shit. Its a lot for anyone to handle so lessen the load by sharing it.

Now, it doesn't take a lot of effort for me to sit here and type this... In fact I'm still working on putting all three of these things into practice but I'm starting with this little blogpost.

Everything is sore... But that's OK.

I've been on my new drug, Actemra, for 4 months now. I've had four IV infusions, each one of them painful and exhausting. About an hour after the infusion finishes each time I get a headache for a minimum of 4 days, I feel nauseous, I can't sleep, I have increased anxiety and on top of all that and feeling like I've been hit by a bus, I haven't felt any less sore. I have my 4 month review on Wednesday and I don't know what the result will be from that and I honestly don't know what I'm hoping for... because just because it hasn't worked any magic in 4 months, what if the 5th month is the turning point and I miss that because I switch drugs and have to do this all again?

Anyway, I've been trying to think about the positive things I've learnt through this experience and even though they are few and far between, I have managed to come up with these...

1. Love and support.

I have been able to really see who my true friends and support circle are. From my two best friends, Sarah and Lucy, reminding me on a daily basis that my keys are in my pocket where I always put them when I am freaking out because I can't find them because the brain fog is taking over. To my wonderful boyfriend, Arnold, taking my late night, teary phone calls because of my painsomnia. Chronic illnesses really test relationships but they also have the ability to strengthen them and bring you closer than before.

2. Externally caused pain isn't a huge deal.

I am a human pin cushion. I've always had needles on a regular basis but, once a month for four months now, I have had a huge needle in my arm and a good piece of piping in my vein which made the flu shot I had to get a week ago, a walk in the park by comparison.

3. The World is a really pretty place.

I have to move slower than the average teen so this gives me the opportunity to look around the place while I'm walking and I've really enjoyed watching the world change seasons over the past few weeks. The trees are turning into lovely autumn shades and I managed to catch 4 vibrant rainbows in the space of a week.

4. I've discovered mindfulness.

Now, this is still quite new but I've started using the Smiling Mind app every night before bed to combat anxiety and help focus on just being. I'm still sussing it out but so far it seems to just be a lot of focusing on breathing and staying in the present. It's very relaxing and I have noticed actually getting to sleep has been less of a battle since I started about 2 weeks ago.

5. I've learned to say no.

The past few months have been incredibly tough physically and has taught me that it's very much ok to say no to a party invite, a social event and the like because you're jus not up to it. That's O.K. I don't have to go out every weekend to have a good time. I have learnt that laying in bed for two days straight with a cup of tea, Netflix and my favourite person is just as fun.

Arthritis Awareness Week: What not to say...

So, Its been brought to my attention that its Arthritis awareness week in Australia... As awesome as awareness is, it brings about many, many, many questions from people who aren't AS aware of it. Which I guess is the point and I understand that it usually comes from a good place but there are certain things that you don't say to someone with Arthritis (or any invisible illness for that matter...)
So Lets get started...

1. You're so young though...
This is one is a classic... I understand that I look like a young spritely adult but when I mention that I have arthritis and have done since I was 2 the sheer surprise that leaps out of your mouth is generally unwanted. It also brings me to my next point...

2. Oh yeah! My Grandparents/Elderly Pet has that!
I have touched on this topic before in a previous post but I'll recap... As much as I love being compared to an elderly person or animal, its not the same thing... So thanks, but no thanks.

3. Wow! You take so many pills!
Yes. I'm well aware I have to take 7 pills day and night, I know I deserve a medal or something but I assure you, its not for the cool party trick. It goes something like this: I take the blue pill for my joints, the yellow pill to protect my stomach, the green pill to protect my bones, the white pill for the migraine and the pink pill to combat the side effects of the blue, yellow, green, and white pills...

4. Have you tried fish oil tablets?
Yes I have. No they didn't work.

5. You shouldn't take those drugs, they are dangerous.
I know that many of the immunosuppressive drugs prescribed can come with serious side effects, including increased risk of infections, liver and kidney damage, and birth defects but sometimes the positive effects outweigh the risks or negatives. Most of the time its worth the risk of a drug like that because there is a chance to feel halfway normal.

6. You should try exercise.
I, personally love exercise. I love the real muscle burn you get when you've worked hard. It gives me a real high. So when I can't do my work out or that team sport I signed up for last week its really upsetting, so please don't remind me to use that gym membership thats been gathering dust on my key chain, its like a huge middle finger to in the face...

7. Get well soon.
This one I know is generally coming from a genuine well-wisher but hold your tongue. Chronic illnesses don't just 'get better' they have good days and bad days and when there are lots of bad days in a row its called a flare. But when the flare subsides and there is relief, people assume that you've just gotten over the worst of it and will continue to recover... Not the case unfortunately...

8. But, you look great!
Thanks, thats sweet... but as a young woman, I am able to do wonderfully magical things with makeup... I put in effort to look good on the outside because I'm feeling crap on the inside but the whole train carriage doesn't need to know that I had to crawl out of bed this morning.

9. Its all in your head.
Its not. I have the blood tests and medicare bills to prove it. 

10.Have you tried alternative medicines?
I once had a teacher tell me to try yoga, meditation and get this... Aromatherapy! While yoga and meditation can be great forms of exercise and pain control, they won't ever magically fix my disease and if anyone tries to tell me about aromatherapy again, I'll tell them where to shove it.

11. Would weight loss help?
Well there's no need for flattery... I image being overweight wouldn't be great for the joints of anyone but have you considered the medication some people are on? Many arthritis patients are prescribed corticosteroids such as prednisone, which can damp down immune reactions but also cause weight to balloon and raise blood sugar.  Some people may need to loose weight for the sake of their joints but thats a conversation for the doctors office, and it should stay there.

12. Aren't you glad you have arthritis now and not a few decades ago?
Well, yes and no. Yes the medical treatments available to me now are constantly improving and evolving but to be honest, I'd be more glad to not have it at all.

13. Is that your disabled parking permit?
Maybe it is... No, I will not take you shopping at Chadstone on christmas eve.

14. Maybe you just have a low tolerance to pain.
I don't. I have felt the kind of pain that could make you dissolve into tears anyday, yet here I am, standing upright and having this conversation with you...

15. You just need a better attitude.
In the fine words of the late Stella Young "No amount of smiling at a stair case will ever turn them into a ramp." My attitude to life is fine, and probably better than yours, so jog on.

Well there you go, I hope this has helped you if you are not familiar with arthritis. Please think before you speak.

Thanks,
Liv. xoxo

#Rantover

No really, how serious?