One year on...

So it's been a whole year since my last post, and judging from the last post, you can probably guess it's been a pretty miserable year.

My new medication has been a success though which is promising. However after finishing my first part time year of year 12, returning to school has been beyond detrimental to my mental and physical health. I'll give you this one for free: having a constant and close by support network makes the world of difference. The more isolated you feel, the worse everything gets.

I won't go into too much detail about school but I'll just say that I lost count of the amount of times that I had a breakdown about school within the first 2 weeks...

In my last post I also mentioned that I had failed at the 30 day yoga challenge and the 30 day ab challenge because my mental and physical health had declined. I bring this up because this year I have taken up year 12 PE which includes a 6 week training program which is compulsory. The training programs aim is to improve one health related fitness component and maintain two health related fitness components. This genuinely terrifies me as my education depends on my body to remain in optimum health for a solid 6 weeks. I'll keep you updated on my progress...

Other than that I've been through 6 referrals and 1 psychiatrist and about to had my first session with a new psychiatrist to try and get my mental health under control as this year has been extremely rough. But that is a post for another day, about how lacking the Australian health care system is when is comes to mental health care and services available.

This past year has also left me with a lot of anger and resentment. I resent healthy people. I resent my classmates. I even resent my closest friends. I resent them because they are all doing things that I can't. I can't ever be a normal healthy person that doesn't have to think about the consequences of going out on the weekend will have on my health. I can't enjoy this year of school as my final year because I don't have my friends beside me all the way (Except Eddie, Eddie you are always the exception) and I can't move on to normal things 19 year olds do because I'm still a high school student. I didn't have O week, I didn't have the excitement of starting my education in something that I love, I still have a uniform, I can't relate to my friends when they complain about things at Uni that I wish I could be dealing with, I can't do any of these things and every day it kills a little part of me and I'm scared there won't be any of me left to enjoy doing all these things when my time finally does come around next February.

"Health is a crown that the healthy wear, but only the sick see it." - Imam Shafi'ee

This year has however, taught me a lot about empathy and gratitude, and I wish to pass on this advice: next time you want to complain about something like having a uni exam, try and remember that there is someone out there that would swim the seven seas to be in your position but probably can't do that because their body limits them.

Oops...

Just a whole lot of nope from me. 

I'm done. Everything is difficult and I've barely been managing to walk straight let alone get up to do yoga and an ab challenge. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to have probably more than 7 good days in a row, let alone 30. I'm just not up to life at the moment and I literally set myself up to fail this month. I've been getting worse and worse. I can't sleep. I'm sore AF. I'm sick of telling people I'm fine. I literally just started a new medication and it does things to your head that's just indescribable. First off, the needle fucking hurts. Secondly, knowing what my last medication did to me, starting something new is petrifying. 

Invisible illnesses that are physical are so painful. But invisible illnesses that are mental are beyond any human pain. When you're mentally hurting, merely exisiting is a full time job. I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. I want to live in my memories where I'm not in any pain. 

Challenging myself further...

So I'm five days in to my self set challenge and I am LOVING the yoga.

It's so satisfying and really relaxing. On day four I managed to rope in Danielle (Boyfriends mum) into that days practice. I really love having a buddy with me.

The Abs on the other hand aren't really doing anything for me... I haven't been completing the days because it just isn't pushing me so I don't feel any worth from doing them when I know I could just skip to day 30 and be able to complete it... I have more core strength than I thought... so I have found another, more intense 'Abs challenge' because I do still want to improve my core muscles in this challenge.

This means I'll be starting from day 1 again because this is much more challenging than the first one. so tomorrow will be day 6 of yoga and day 1 of new abs.

A new favourite yoga pose is the 'downward facing dog' Its a classic pose, and with good reason. Its a fully engaging pose, through the legs core and arms yet its still so relaxing.

Update: Loving it so far

Well, its day 2 of my challenges and I'm doing fine.

Yoga - I'm actually loving it. Today I managed to rope Lucy into doing it with me which was very motivating and it was great to experience the zen with her. My legs feel like jelly and my body is cracking in every joint with the smallest movement but at the same time I feel very free and motivated.

Flat Abs - Today and yesterday was no big deal, I'm relishing in the calm of the beginning because I know it will get harder as we go through, but I'm very intent on not giving up.

Well, thats it for now, just a short update. But I thought I would leave you with my favourite yoga pose so far, it's called Chaturanga, It is a very strong pose and it is extremely satisfying doing it correctly.

And so it begins...

The thought of doing something everyday for 30 days isn't a huge deal... But the amount of times I have started those 30 day challenges like squats of planks or even sit ups and failed is pretty sad. 

Committing yourself to anything completely is a pretty big deal and I really want to give it 110% this time. I'm going to be undertaking 2 challenges at once and they are:

1. 30 Days of Yoga

This challenge is by Adriene from Yoga With Adriene. I'm really looking forward to this because I would love to gain some inner and outer strength and find some relief from stress at the same time.

and 

2. 30 Days Flat Abs challenge

This challenge is by Cassey Ho from Blogilates and involves a few Ab exercises a day to improve core strength. This is pretty similar to what I've attempted before but this time I'm going to really commit.

To motivate myself to actually complete these things within the 30 days I will be checking back in on here every few days with my thoughts and experiences to also document the journey for myself.

If you'd like to join me you are more than welcome but for now its just me. 

The date of commencement will be the 27th of May.

Self care isn't selfish.

Self care: Attitudes and actions that contribute to happiness, balance and wellbeing.

Fighting an invisible illness that involves chronic pain; mental or physical, is hard.
So taking care of yourself is incredibly important but it's generally overlooked because thats the last thing on your mind. It's taken me over half a year to get around to even thinking about self care because it was never something I prioritised... I just concentrated on getting up in the morning, dressed and presentable, making it through the day and back to my bed.

But I've recently been trying very hard to get well mentally to then help cope with my physical issues... so I thought I would compile a list of things I consider to be my self care.

1. Listening to music
I have a playlist on my phone called "It's O.K." Its full of songs that make me happy, pump me up and generally have a great beat to help motivate me. I love listening to it and some of my favourites on the list are: It's not over yet by For King & Country, Fight song by Rachel Platten, Brave by Sara Bareillies, I wanna dance with somebody by Whitney Houston and No prejudice by Pollapönk.

2. TV Marathons.
The trap that is Netflix(or one of its equivalents, Stan. is awesome!) is actually one of my favourite places to escape to. Where I can just play a TV show that I've seen a million times already and just immerse myself in that world for a while. I have been marathoning TV shows like HIMYM, The Nanny and Top Gear. its VERY relaxing!

3. Spending time with the right people.
Time is precious and wasting time on toxic, negative people is something I'm not interested in. At all.

4. Tea
At the rate I drink tea, I wouldn't be surprised if its replaced the majority of the blood in my system. Tea is delicious and extremely calming. Tea is always a good idea.

5. Yoga/Mindfullness
Stretching and relaxing some physical stress and tension is really enjoyable. Yoga is great for that. You don't have to be super flexible or anything, just doing what you can at your own pace is enough.
Mindfullness is also something i have really been enjoying. I try and do it most nights before I sleep because it helps me wind down and focus my mind on one thing rather than have it run a million miles an hour all through the night.

Thats it for now.. I might edit this and add some later or make a new post all together but its a start.

It's perfectly OK to admit you're not OK...

I know I am not my illness, but some days I find it so overwhelmingly difficult to cope that I put on the label and wear it like a coat. But accepting help is hard. It's hard because all I have ever done is say "I've got this" "Nah, it's fine""I'm ok, it could be worse".

What's harder is knowing you need help but not wanting it because a) You don't want to finally admit that you need help. b) You don't want to burden others with your health issues c) You feel like it's not a big deal, you should be able to handle it by yourself and it's not worth the trouble.

I have had it pointed out to me on many occasions why these three points are complete bullshit but its only really just sinking in...

A) Admitting you need the help is hard, but not getting help is harder... start by asking someone you love and trust to just talk to you or remind you to take your meds - baby steps.

B) People love and care about you. You are not a burden, you are worthy of the help and effort.

C) The hand you have been dealt it shit. Its a lot for anyone to handle so lessen the load by sharing it.

Now, it doesn't take a lot of effort for me to sit here and type this... In fact I'm still working on putting all three of these things into practice but I'm starting with this little blogpost.